Gloomy Monsters

{ January 5, 2010 @ 1:02 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I am fighting against my depression. It’s not as bad as it was last year, but it’s still hard.

I have trouble talking about my depression to people who care about me.

My husband’s heart condition raised its ugly head again. Just when I start to relax and sleep better, my husband has another attack. My nerves are stretched thin, to the breaking point. I think the worst part is there is nothing anyone can do fix the problem, there are treatments, but no cures.

Are there any other young wives who have husbands with chronic conditions who are struggling with the stress of it all? Any young wives whose husbands have heart conditions. Any young wives whose husband’s heart stopped?

I do have a friend who has a husband with a chronic heart condition. Am I the only one who sees this as a God formed relationship even before I knew I was going to need someone who understands? Why won’t I talk to my friend?

Today I am going to do what it takes to break down the walls and renew our friendship. I need her because she understands. Others will sympathize, but she really knows what I’m talking about when I tell her about the stress I’m under.

Lord, please help me to rely on you and trust you to make everything right. Help me to be willing to open up about my struggles. Please help me repair our relationship and help me to recognize how my behaviors have strained our relationship. Amen.

Immoral Monster

{ December 17, 2009 @ 5:48 pm } · { Hiding from the Monsters }
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I read this blog article today, and it encouraged me to share my story. This story is actually the reason I started blogging, but I’ve lacked the courage to share the thing that hurts the most.

This summer, my husband confessed a moral failing to me, one that I thought he overcame before we were married.

I am hurt and betrayed.

I blamed myself. Somehow I wasn’t good enough and that’s why my husband failed.

I’m at the first part of this journey, the forgiveness stage, learning to forgive and trust again.

These are two verses that spring to mind today:

Romans 3:23

… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Lord, I pray for your healing in our marriage and I pray that you will protect my husband against the devil’s schemes. Help him keep his mind and heart pure. Amen

James 5:9 Stop Complaining

{ December 10, 2009 @ 10:27 pm } · { Devotions }
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Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.

James 5:9 NASB

I should not complain about fellow believers so that I will not be judged by what I say against others and maybe so that unbelievers don’t judge the believers by what I say.

I tend to want to complain about the injustices I think I face at church. I want to complain about the person who went off without listening to the other side of the story. I want to complain about the people in leadership who want me to volunteer more of my time even though I feel over committed. I want to complain about a co-leader who took over something I was supposed to do.

I am no better than anyone else, though, and will tend to be unreasonable or controlling from time to time. I am as guilty as they are of the sketches above.

If I complain about these things, what do unbelievers think about the church? They count their lucky stars that they don’t have to deal with these situations.

I know, when I complain, that I shouldn’t be saying anything unless it’s to the person(s) with whom I have a complaint. Before talking to them, though, I need to make sure that I am reaching out not to make a point or put someone in their place, but to clear the air between us.

I will make a better effort not to complain about other believers.

Lord, please help me as I work on my attitude and stop complaining about the unjust situations in the church. Please let the words I speak be filtered by love. Amen.

Sinking into Despair

{ November 20, 2009 @ 6:31 pm } · { Hiding from the Monsters }
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Why am I sinking again? I thought I was past my severe down thoughts, but I was wrong. I’m not having suicidal thoughts.

I want nothing more than to run away or hide and cry.

Lord, help me.

Thankful Thursday

{ November 19, 2009 @ 8:26 pm } · { Thankful Thursday }
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  1. Pocket Full of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield,
  2. Health Insurance,
  3. Thanksgiving is just a week away,
  4. A husband who loves me,
  5. Paying customers.

It was a rough week, but there are always things for which I can give thanks.

This is my secret place. Since I am blogging anonymously here, it gives me a place to which I can escape and pour out my heart without worrying about injuring others.

I discovered I had a rash. Thank goodness someone noticed it for me, or I may never have seen it or sought medical attention. I was able to see the doctor about the rash without waiting forever. It’s communicable so it’s lucky I caught it.  I also love my primary care doctor because she remembers me and make sure to follow-up on other health issues, resolved or not.

My front tire was nearly flat. I filled it up then took it to the tire shop. They were able to repair it, and rotate and balance my tires, in 20 minutes. No cost and no wait!

I found out that a job I was supposed to do at church, for which I was volunteering my time, was poached. It hurts to have someone take my job away and not even tell me that they don’t need me anymore, instead I have to discover it for myself. The good news is I was able to honestly talk to the person who’s poached other things before this one, and maybe we have an understanding.

I’m not pregnant again this month. We’re not trying as much as we’re not preventing. Part of me wants to know why we’re not pregnant and part of me thinks I don’t want children. Thank goodness God is in control and not me.

Dysfunctional Families

{ November 13, 2009 @ 7:25 pm } · { Switching on the Light }
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My family is somewhat dysfunctional. Really, whose family isn’t? I know this isn’t an exception, most families have problems.

My grandparents harbor bitterness and resentment toward their parents. My parents harbor resentment and bitterness toward their parents, my grandparents. Consequently, this cycle translated to the children, my brothers and sisters, harbor bitterness and resentment toward my parents. This bitterness and resentment, after a while, causes the parents not to get along with the children, either, because the children lashed out and hurt their parents back.

I am determined to break the cycle and not let bitterness and resentment keep me from a right relationship with my parents. Sure, there were some pretty messed up things that happened while I was growing up, that hurt me deeply, but I chose to forgive them and live in the present, not the past. This healing didn’t happen over night, and didn’t happen as soon as I became an adult. This bitterness finally melted away about a year ago. 

Learning to break the cycle is liberating. Sure, my parents still make mistakes, but so do I, and by forgiving them, I am forgiven. (see Matthew 18:23-35 and Matthew 6:9-13).

It is absolutely heartbreaking to see all the bitterness and resentment between family members and not have them see what freedom waits for them if they’d just let go of it. If they just talked to each other, truthfully, and didn’t let the bitterness and resentment cloud their minds, they would see that their parent/child is a wonderful person, in spite of the past mistakes.

It wasn’t easy to forgive my parents. I wanted them to pay for all the hurt they caused. I had to learn to forgive them before healing in our relationship could begin. When I tried to talk to my parents about the ways they hurt me, before I forgave them, I just ended up more hurt. When I forgave them, I stopped bringing up the past.

Surprisingly, after forgiving them and letting the past go, I learned that my parents were really sorry for the ways they hurt me. They never brought up the things that hurt me because they hoped that I forgot or that it didn’t hurt me.

I talked to my brothers and sisters about forgiving our parents. I talk to my parents about forgiving their parents. So far it doesn’t seem like they’ve made the decision to forgive and live.

Lord, please bring healing to my parents’ hearts from the messed up things their parents did to them. Please bring healing to my brothers’ and sisters’ hearts from the messed up things our parents did to us. Please break the cycle of bitterness and resentment.

Busy Monster

{ November 11, 2009 @ 7:16 pm } · { Hiding from the Monsters }
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I’m too busy.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, my husband is a teacher. I purposely avoid identifying information, but I think this is vague enough to keep our identities secret.

My husband and I only have two nights a week together, if we’re lucky. Sometimes his obligations reduce us to one night a week. This is true for the rest of the month, at least.

What do we get rid of to be less busy?

  • Sunday volunteer activity (both)
  • Sunday service (both)
  • Wednesday volunteer activity (both)
  • Evening ministry commitment that is 1+ day a week (husband)
  • Bible Study (both)
  • Date night (both)
  • Small business (both)
  • Job that pays bills (both)
  • Seasonal commitment that is 1+ day a week (both)

I decided not to go to school this semester because of the time commitment.  I believe classes three times a week on evenings/weekends lead to my severe depression earlier this year.

After the holidays I am dropping my midweek committment. I need more time to focus on my home business and chores.

Obviously, the current seasonal commitment goes away after the holidays. This is part of our small business and is also a volunteer activity. There are 3-4 large seasonal commitments every year.

My husband’s ministry commitment is set for an indefinite period. I’m hoping it’ll finish in time for the holidays, but no one really knows.

Bible study attendance has been sporadic, usually once a month. At the time I was falling apart, we were religiously attending Bible study every week.

We attend church on Sunday and volunteer during a different service. Since we’re at church on Sunday anyway, we did not see any harm in volunteering on Sundays.

Date night used to be a set night each week, but due to the schedule, we allowed it to be moved around. I think we should go back to the rule that a certain night is date night and nothing or no one can change that. We used to reject social invitations and family events simply because it was date night. This is pending re-approval.

Lord, I need some help and guidance. How can we change our schedule so that we advance your Kingdom and keep our sanity? Amen

What do you think? What should we or could we cut? What verses speak to this situation?

Thankful Thursday (a day late)

{ November 6, 2009 @ 8:31 pm } · { Thankful Thursday }
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  1. The Christmas Holidays are here (Christmas starts with Thanksgiving for me).
  2. The weather warmed up again.
  3. I completed a huge project.
  4. My personal business income is steady.
  5. A good and supportive manager.

Thankful Thursday

{ October 29, 2009 @ 7:53 pm } · { Thankful Thursday }
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Today I am thankful that:

  1. I netted more than $600 this month from my home business.
  2. Today is my Friday.
  3. My business blog has more than 30 daily hits.
  4. It’s cold and windy outside.
  5. It’s less than two months until Christmas.

Divorce Drama

{ October 27, 2009 @ 9:14 pm } · { Switching on the Light }
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My friends are getting divorced. They’re not close friends, but they were both friends. They are both social networking site friends. They are constantly posting negative things about the other on this site and complaining to everyone about the other.

There was some drug use problems and they BOTH lost custody of their child for a while. I’m not too sure when they decided to split up.  One was able to regain custody of their son.

Recently, the other one, who didn’t regain custody, posted something to my wall. I sent a PRIVATE message to the person to say, please do not drag me into it.

I thought I was a tactful. Now, this person is upset with me. I believe the F*bomb was used every other word. Additionally, this person claimed that I was trying to hide behind my faith and that everyone in my church was the same horrible kind of person that I am. All this for simply asking him/her not to post to my site?

I don’t really care that this person is upset at me for asking them not to drag me into it, or that he/she responded to me in such a way. I wanted to give him/her a chance instead of simply blocking him/her. I’m praying and trying to decide what to do about this person. I really hope that he/she simply blocks me so I don’t have to make a decision.

I recently read that this sort of “friend” is a toxic friend and it is best to stay away from toxic people. That conflicts a little with my mission (to reach others for Christ). How do I balance the Great Commission with Toxic Friends?

The most pathetic part of the whole matter is their child. This child was a miracle child.  How could they forget the marvelous gift they were given for this divorce nonsense?

Lord, I pray for this couple and their child. I pray that you may bring healing. Please protect the child from their fighting and malicious behaviors. I pray that they would soften their hearts toward you and each other so they can work it out before it gets any farther out of hand. Amen. 

“Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”

“What did Moses command you?” he replied.

They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”

“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Mark 10: 2-9

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